Well, guys, I can't sleep. It's midnight. Been quiet. Took down all my other socials and left just the ones that needed to be open. But, you know, before I ever started doing this stuff I started doing, I didn't even start with a plan that was written down or formulated because I didn't start with a clear plan or path. Because I didn’t honestly know how everyone would take it and I didn’t start with the public no I started in the background with the ones who well don’t usually get talked to but I just did it. Cause they needed a public voice to and they needed love too. I had to try even if it made me well tired and lonelier and well dealing with selfish assholes who are entitled can make any person want to punch them in the throat lol but you know what happened instead lol I fell in love with them all I know guys it baffled me too. But well yall have heard plenty about those daddies. lol…Everybody assumes that I have help or some, I don't know, need for something. But I started all of this knowing that I felt something for a long time when I was a little girl, and then I thought it was silly. For a long time I did. I ignored it because it was safer to do that, and if I was honest. I was scared, and I knew I wasn't ready. And then, well, then heartbreak. I had a big heartbreak, and I was at my lowest point, and I lost somebody at the same time and I'm not good at losing people. I've never been good at the whole death thing. First time I ever experienced it was with my grandfather, and I was real close to him. And then I lost my dad, and the funny thing was it was like two polar opposites. My dad was somebody I barely knew. All I wanted was a relationship with him, but he didn't want nothing to do with me, only when he needed something. And that was hard for a little girl to deal with. And well, I grew up, and I was— well, I had that luck with men. They only ever wanted me whenever they needed something. I learned how to mold myself around that, and men weren't the only things that were like that. I had friends that were like that. I had family that was like that. I mean, everything that was surrounded near me was like that, and all I ever wanted was love. I was too ashamed and embarrassed to even say that. I've always been that tough girl. Well, then that heartbreak happened, that loss happened, and I was sitting there in my tears, and I just started thinking. I started thinking things, and I wanted to leave. I wanted to end it right there. Then I thought about that thing, you know? That feeling I had since I was a little girl, that thing I ignored, and everyone told me it was silly to listen to, or was dangerous to listen to. Or the truth is I never told anyone. I kept it a secret. Let little parts of myself that were true come out and saw how quickly people rejected it, how quickly they wanted me to go right back to the Silvia that they know. I knew what was going to happen as soon as I accepted what I was and who I was and what I could do. I knew nobody would love me after that for sure. They didn't love me when I was molding myself to them, so why would they love me after I finally start doing things for myself and speaking up and being myself? And it was a scary thing to accept, and a scary thing to even— well, it was scary. But it was selfless, and it was— the intention was love. It was doing something that would help others. I didn't know quite what it was going to do, but I knew it was going to help something. So I started. And I am— well, here I am. I wanted to help. I've allowed people to hurt the thing that I cherish more than anything in the world but because it comes with the intent of love and doing something kind for others you even extend that grace to the ones hurting you and being cruel. And there's not very much of that real love without transaction in this world. And yeah, sure, you know, you would think, why? Why would you do that? But, you know, you grow up in a hard environment. You grow up with people being real cruel to you, people that aren't supposed to be like that, and they are. And you start to think that that's your job: to hold space for them, to hold space for their healing, to push yours to the side, because they need it. And you know you can handle it, because you're strong, and you've handled so much on your own that people don't know about. And you did it. You did it alone, and you're still standing, and you're still smiling, and you're still doing. I've done some amazing work, and I've also kept my mouth shut watching people take it, use it without my consent. And while I've had that idea put in my head that there's nothing you can do about it. That no one cares…That people are allowed to do that, because that's the world we live in, right? There's gray spaces where they're protected and allowed to do whatever they want. And as long as nobody else notices, as long as everybody keeps their mouth shut and follows directions, then really there's nothing that can really be done about it. My work and everything I did came from the heart. It didn't come easy either. I earned it on my own. Sometimes people who have played it safe behind the curtain saw the things that I had to go through just to be able to keep doing this. And well then the ones that you show like the collective or past people who may have known you or rather think they did or at least know you maybe in a unhealed moment whatever the case may be…You see all the pretty layers. You see the one-minute clips of me on a social media, or a picture, or whatever it is, and you assume that it's easy. That person has it easy. That person is bubbly, sweet, and just never has a sour moment. Or hell she was this and that when I knew her lol your probably right my loves lol I have always been a lot but am real am alive sweethearts…and in those moments I did those pic or videos of myself…my loves, I was just being that lighthouse just for that brief second, for somebody out there that was like me and just wanted to see that just for a second. That's what you were watching. I know I'm not anybody to a lot of people, except somebody that's really, really smart and can do really great shit, and well, is very sweet and very strange or flirty or sexual or shit a sailor when I talk …lol…And so some people think that's room to take advantage and take and do whatever. But I am a fighter too, my loves. One thing about me is I have resilience, and I do not stop no matter what. Especially when it means something, and that might piss a lot of people off, and that might make people a little upset to hear that I won't stop. That I won't shut the hell up. That I won't be molded into something that they want me to be molded into. But I didn't do it for that. I didn't do it for likes. I didn't do it for a special spot, a title, a recognition, a validation. I did it for everyone who was told you needed that to have a voice or place in this world. I did it for the belief that if I did that, I could change things. I could make them better. I could reveal truths that needed to be revealed and let the healing start finally. A lot of my articles started off revealing stuff that was crazy…right? The sounding of it is crazy, but it's truth. And truth sometimes, it doesn't make sense when you've been wearing a veil for so long. It's not supposed to. That's like saying you heard a song and you were deaf. Did you really hear it? The point is, is that it's midnight, and I know everything's about to... things are going to change. It's gonna change real fast for me, and it's gonna feel really weird. And I guess I felt like talking to you guys because I haven't done it in a while, and I'm not that important, I guess, to really care if I'm quiet or not. But I guess this is mostly for me, my loves. This is mostly for me to just empty my cup. See, the universe wants me to stop being so sacrificial and to receive finally. And I am. I'm learning how to do that, but it's a hard task when you're so used to doing the other. So if you're out there and you feel like me sometimes, well, you're not alone, sweethearts. And it's definitely not a reason to quit trying to be well worthy my loves because you are, and it's definitely not a reason to fall in that hole and stay in that hole. If you need to be in that hole, be in that hole, but you face it and then you get out of it. That hole's not there for you to sit in forever. It's there for you to grow. It's there for you to face yourself, to do the scary shit that nobody wants to do because nobody wants to face the mirror. We're in a world that is literally a gym, and we're all volunteers in it. We choose what we're going to teach ourselves when we go back, and then we come here and then we try to remember, and then we try to do it finally. But that's free will too, my loves. Sometimes you don't want to face it even when you knew you signed up for it, and that's fine too. I love y'all. I know I shouldn't. I know I have no reason to, but I do. I know everything I say sometimes may sound a little silly and may sound so far-fetched and so whimsical, so woo-woo. But it comes from the heart, my loves, and that's the way things should be, right?
Love Still Your Silvia ❤️
